![]() ![]() Not every professor is going to be so welcoming, but there is no harm in making the attempt. ![]() Being clear in why and how I was struggling led to a greater understanding from my professors and a willingness on their part to meet me halfway to ensure that I was able to achieve the success that we both wanted out of my time in the course. I found a lot of success in my later academic career in speaking directly with professors about my failings and struggles. Now, just because higher education is structurally and systemically built upon ableist principles, this does not mean that the individuals working within academia are inherently ableist. Indeed, so much of the cultural constructions around “laziness” are built upon ableism and a failure to understand how disability affects the ability of a person to do work in the same way as a nondisabled person. My failures were rooted in my disability coming head-to-head with structures that were built to inhibit disabled people from succeeding. It wasn’t a lack of academic preparation or a lack of “intelligence” or a lack of drive that led to my failures. Instead, I allowed the compounding guilt to make me think that I was too late to ask for help, even when there was still time to turn things around.Ī crucial understanding that it has taken me decades to realize is that my failures were not my fault. It would have helped a lot if there were those in the community who could see how I was flailing, how I was unable to meet the demands of the coursework, and were willing to take that first step in helping me to get the aid that I needed. Resources are available in most colleges for those that need them, but these resources can only be accessed if you ask for them. My situation did not have to unfold the way it did. In addition, the shame I felt, however unreasonable, has remained with me, intensified by and intensifying my depression. I wound up attending other schools and accumulating debt in my effort to complete education, debt that I would not have had if I completed my education at Rice. Rice offers a need-based free ride scholarship to all students attending, paying for all of their expenses above what the family can be reasonably expected to contribute. I have struggled both economically and mentally because of my inability to get a degree. I flunked out of Rice University at the end of that year and the repercussions of that failure have lingered with me ever since. The sense of failure began early in the semester and continued to snowball throughout the year, with every failed test and missed assignment piling into an avalanche of guilt and remorse that I lacked the tools to escape from. ![]() My depression was making itself known in a way far more intense than anything I had ever experienced before, which was coupled with finding the academics of college a struggle, a first in my life. I went an ocean away from my family and friends to a prestigious school. This is the situation that I found myself in during my first year of college. This increased stress, these newly emergent symptoms, and the relative absence of a support network can make the first year of college nearly impossible to navigate for some. To further complicate things, turning eighteen is also when a lot of mental illnesses begin to present themselves more powerfully. This greater freedom is then coupled with an increased difficulty in coursework, leading to a large amount of stress. Now considered by society to be an adult, a freshman experiences an unprecedented freedom in managing their schedule and their life. Going to college represents a major shift in every young student’s life. ![]()
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